Anytown, USA

As part of my frequent business travels, I often find myself in some very un-glamorous places across the US of A.  Such is the nature of working with chemical manufacturers.  My latest excursion has landed me in the bustling metropolis of Commerce, GA.  Located off of I-85 in the NE part of the state, Commerce is the kind of place where the #2 restaurant on Trip Advisor is Longhorn Steakhouse.  I'll let you use your imagination, but there is not much here besides a Tanger outlet mall and chain restaurant after chain restaurant.  (As an aside, do you think the mall was put here solely because the name of the town was Commerce or was the town name changed to accommodate the mall?  It's the chicken or the egg debate all over again.)  Anyway, it was here that I was privy to several off the wall situations that all occurred within a few hours of being inside the town limits.

Upon checking into my reputable chain hotel (alright, it's a Hampton Inn), I tried my room key only to find that it did not work.  I went back to the front desk and had to wait behind several people being helped by the one attendant.  The desk guy was a youngish bro who looked not far removed from graduating with a PRTM degree from Georgia Southern, probably with a solid GPA of 2.0, right in the meaty part of the curve.  This bro was way overmatched for all the curveballs about to be thrown his way.  Unruly Customer #1 was an older woman who was trying to use one of those prepaid credit cards to pay for her room.  The card had $100 on it, but her bill was $100.16.  Since the card did not contain enough funds to cover the entire amount, it was declined as a form of payment.  After paying in cash, she decided that was unacceptable because she needed the cash to go shopping at the mall.  Apparently, the stores she frequents (Stride Rite?) do not accept these types of cards.  She demanded that her cash be returned and that her bill be split up to use $100 on the card and $0.16 in cash.  Overmatched bro had no idea how to arrange this type of transaction and to make matters worse, he had already put the cash in the safe and only the manager has access to the safe.  The manager who would not be in until the next day at 6 AM.  Defeated, the woman and her husband stormed off and hoped that her store (As Seen on TV?) would accept her gift card.  I'm not sure what type of person travels only with $100 cash and $100 on a prepaid gift card, but I would sure love to know what landed her in this situation.

The next customer may have been even stranger.  Two twenty something guys dressed like construction workers got a room and wanted to pay in cash.  The total was about $96 and the first gentlemen handed the attendant a single bill.  Overmatched bro took a look at the bill and froze like a deer in headlights.  He replied, "I don't think I have enough change to accept this," before handing it back.  I didn't get a good look at the bill, but what could it have been?  A $500 bill??  A $1,000 bill???  A quick Google search of the US Treasury shows that the current highest bill in circulation is the $100 bill.  Anything higher was taken out of circulation in 1969!!!  So, what in the world did this guy try to pay with and why did he have a bill that large?  My theory is that they were meth dealers and the Czechoslovakian broker they sold to operated in extremely large currency.  We all know how the Czechs love some blue ice.  The mysterious meth dealers took the bill back and paid with a card before retiring to cook a fresh batch underneath the local dry cleaner.

To finish off my situation, the hotel card machine was broken and overmatched bro was unable to reprogram it to open my room.  All other rooms were booked, so he had to let me in with the master key.  Curious, on the way to the room I asked him what would happen if the card machine was still broken tomorrow and someone did not return their room key?  "I guess nobody's getting that room, then.  Good thing I'm not working," he replied.

Welcome to Commerce, GA.

Caaaaalllll it! - The Beacon Drive-In

Note to self, do not attempt to start a blog and plan a wedding at the same time.  The blog will not win.  This post marks what I hope to be the beginning of a more frequent blogging schedule.  However, the fact that it took all of one post to arrive at this roadblock does not bode well.  Undeterred, I shall press onward, as I have been traveling a lot in the past few weeks and have no shortage of material to work with.

This week's post spotlights the institution that is the Beacon Drive-In.  A few weeks ago a coworker and I were planning a trip to the Spartanburg, SC area to visit a fabrication shop.  The day before we left, the following email exchange occurred in the span of about 4 minutes:

Coworker: We'll meet them at 11, talk for a while, tour the facility, and then get lunch.  Sound good?
Me: Yes, that's great.  We're going to the Beacon afterward, right?
Coworker: That's a big 10-4.

Just in case you weren't sure, there's a giant arrow

He knew just as well as I did that if you're anywhere in the Spartanburg area, you go to the Beacon.  The legendary drive-in is best know for two things; it's famous sweet tea and the man who takes your order, JC Strobel.  Very sadly, JC recently passed away from injuries sustained in a fall at his home.  In his honor, a life size cutout of the legend now greets you at the front door.

JC Forever!

I first had the pleasure of the JC experience back in 2002, when a group of us made the trip from Clemson.  The ordering process at the Beacon is a sight to behold.  After watching this video, you'll ask yourself how anything comes out correct.  Amazingly, it all somehow works.  I'm happy to report that what must be some sort of relative of JC's has taken up the mantle.

It's basically like the end of Dark Knight Rises when the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun becomes the next Batman.

There is a lot of pressure when ordering at the Beacon.  The place gets very busy during the lunch rush and if you don't spit out your order soon after being prompted by the, "call it!" you will be sent to the back of the line to figure out what you want.

Study this well or face the consequences

As you can see, the menu is quite extensive.  My recommendation is to stick to the top left-hand side of the board where the various hamburger options can be found.  The cheeseburger or chili cheeseburger are definitely the way to go.  Whichever incarnation you choose, you simply must get your sandwich served "a plenty," which means it will be smothered in a couple hand fulls of french fries and onion rings.  When you receive your (amazingly correct) plate, good luck finding your sandwich under the mountain of fried delicacies.

There's a burger in there somewhere

Slide down the line and pick up your sweet tea before ringing up at the register.  They now also offer something called "Diet Tea," but please just resist the urge to put anything healthy in your body during this meal.  You've already come this far.  Note that unsweet tea is not even an option here for a good reason.

I didn't have a scale with me, but the tray is legitimately heavy with any of the "a plenty" plates.  In my two trips dining with about 10 different people, I've only seen one person finish the entire thing.  It was both impressive and terrifying at the same time.  I'd like to think I did pretty well for an average sized human being.

It was a bloodbath

On top of the ridiculous quantity, the food is really quite good.  The burgers are as old school as you can get and come with LTM.  After talking him into it, my coworker attempted the double chili cheese a plenty.  The double is so ridiculous it eschews the standard condiments in favor of two servings of chili and an extra slice of bread to space out the two patties.  He didn't stand a chance.

If possible, I would schedule a nap immediately after a Beacon experience.  Sadly, a three-hour car ride back to Charleston awaited us on this occasion.  Pack a few Tums, and make sure you hit up the Beacon Drive-In the next time you visit the SC Upstate.  I will definitely be back, and hope not to make it 10 years between visits next time.

Welcome to Travel Swag!

Welcome to the very first edition of Travel Swag, my new (and hopefully) regular blog to keep you informed of the tips you need to know and things you need to avoid to make your travel experience as smooth as possible.  I recently started a new job that requires a fair amount of business travel.  While taking these trips, I realized there was so much I was experiencing that was simply too good to not share.  This blog will attempt to chronicle those experiences so that you, faithful reader, will learn what to do and not to do to take your travel swag to its maximum levels.  I will cover everything from frequent flier programs, airport security tips, hotel chains, entertainment options, and whatever else I feel like musing on.  This first post will review the busiest airport in the world, and one in which I spend a lot of time in.  I hope you enjoy!

AIRPORT REVIEW: Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International

There's a joke in the business world that when you die, you're going to have to connect through Atlanta to make it to your funeral.  If you're a Southeast traveler in the good ol' US of A, this saying isn't all together untrue.  Going for those Delta SkyMiles?  Well get prepared to spend a lot of time in the 'A.'  It's still the only city I know of whose unofficial nickname has been lifted from its airport code (ATL).  There is even a crappy movie of the same name starring T.I. that is probably airing on BET right now.

The good news is that there is actually a lot to like about Hartsfield.  The entire place smells like Chick-Fil-A (50% fried chicken, 50% intolerance), the restrooms are relatively clean, and the terminals are laid out in manner that actually makes sense.  Flight landed in Terminal A and your connection is out of Terminal C?  Simply go down the escalator and either hop on the shuttle or walk in a straight line down the hallway.  Moving walkways are even available and are usually working.

Straight lines are a rarity in airport terminals

There are some cons, but even those are not that terrible.  In certain areas, Hartsfield can feel like you're trapped inside a Vegas casino without the gambling.  Fluorescent lighting, a jarring lack of windows, and for a place where time is so critical, try finding a working clock.  If you squint hard enough, you can barely see the time at the bottom of the Departures board.

Having a long layover even in a nice airport can still be one of the most excruciating travel experiences you can endure.  If faced with this proposition in the ATL, whether by schedule or delayed due to the never ending summer rainstorms, there is one tip above all others that I can offer you.  Head directly to Terminal F, otherwise known as the International Terminal.  As a rule of thumb, most international terminals are far superior to the domestic terminals when it comes to cleanliness, crowds, restaurant quality and just about anything else you can think of.  The food courts in the domestic terminals are so crowded that I'm pretty sure SARS and a few strains of Smallpox are still surviving.

SARS alive and well

To reach Terminal F, simply take the shuttle all the way to the last stop.  I personally like the fact that this terminal is the only one not accessible by foot, all the better to keep out the riff raff.  After getting off the shuttle, take the escalator upwards and for the weary traveler, the sight that greets you will appear to resemble the pearly gates of St. Peter.

Xanadu

The first thing you will notice is the general lack of people when compared to the other busier terminals.  What people are around are more attractive, better dressed, and significantly less overweight.  The sounds of languages you can't even recognize float through the air.  The shops are nice and consist of things I might actually want to buy.

Liquor, cigars, watches!

There is also the flagship location for the Delta Sky Club, which I will one day find a way to make it inside.

You will be mine someday, Sky Club

Hungry?  This is definitely the place you need to be.  Almost no lines at any restaurant, plenty of tables to spread out, and options for every ethnic food you can think of are available here.  You can even fill up on tasty burgers at ATL's own Varsity!

I almost didn't believe it when I saw it

Remember this wonderful oasis the next time you find yourself with 3 hours to kill inside Hartsfield and thank me later.  With the aid of the International Terminal, I give the ATL a swaggerific rating of 4 out of 5 cashmere slippies.